Why Have A Divorce Solutions Project?
What can a positive and practical view bring to the decision to divorce? The answer is a whole lot. Difficult as it is, divorce does not have to be a protracted, ugly process sure to zap families of their emotional and financial resources leaving them in an unhealthy state potentially for years. Children can be left with parents who are so preoccupied with their unending legal machinations that little care is given to their emotional needs and development. Therefore, no one is adjusting, moving on, and no “new normal” is achieved. This has far-reaching effects for children and prohibits them from pursuing a normal developmental path. Children can become highly symptomatic both emotionally and physically from ongoing parental discord. It is also a poor model of relationships and many children replicate this model in their own later romantic relationships because parental divorce is the gift that keeps on giving throughout the life span.
Couples Getting Stuck and Other Road Blocks
Now let’s talk about the couple itself. Maybe the decision to divorce is a mutual one and maybe it is not, leaving one or both feeling angry, abandoned, and/or bereft. Ongoing fighting and litigating is an excellent way to stay connected to each other albeit a terrible one. For all the claims about wanting to move on that either party may make, one or both is seeking ongoing engagement with the other if they fail to facilitate an equitable arrangement concerning co-parenting and finances. Questions of entitlement and retribution emerge that distract from the work that needs to be done in order to reorganize one’s life and to gain a personal sense of wholeness and adjustment. This provides children shelter from discord that allows them to enjoy a different world than the one they knew, but a safe and harmonious one nonetheless.
Divorcing couples in litigation, mediation, or Parent Coordination usually feel some ill will for the spouse and are often defensive and have difficulty being open to more positive ways of functioning. Sometimes it can be an association from past experience that once brought into the open can be recognized for what it is rather than an obstacle to progress. These emotions and beliefs interfere with achieving a positive result.
But for some, their desire to shelter their children and reconstruct meaningful lives with a peaceful emotional tone in the house is greater than their need for revenge or retaliation. These are the people who are willing to do the hard work of understanding and separating negative feelings from the business of getting divorced. I am not suggesting that they have to feel kindly or that it is easy. I am suggesting that they work for a smarter divorce and it IS difficult.
The Divorce Solutions Project For You and Your Family
I call it a project because it is a project like any other that takes vision, hard work and commitment. To this end I offer individual therapy for both parties who present road blocks or simply get stuck to help them reach accord. They can explore their own resistance and defensiveness with the goal of becoming efficacious in the co-parenting role. In this modality they can examine individually, together, or both, where negotiations are breaking down for them in a supportive and productive setting with a wrap- around approach. With reaching a parenting plan as a goal for both parties I work with them and their attorneys if indicated as a team to help them reach that goal with far less pain and expense of ongoing litigation and accompanying emotional stress.
I am not suggesting that a cooperative divorce is easy. In point of fact some cases actually need to be litigated due to their complexity and/or extreme issues. But if the couple can face their losses and tolerate their truly uncomfortable emotions, they stand the chance of stream-lining their divorce process and hastening the family’s rehabilitation. In effect despite the painful process, they are thinking through and mastering the process rather than simply emoting through a senseless battle. They become in charge of the outcome for themselves and children rather than leaving such decisions to a judge in a court of law.